I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
