Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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