I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
