he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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