I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
