i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
