The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
