You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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