just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
