I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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