I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick