if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
