I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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