I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
