My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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