I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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