Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
