Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Randomize
