at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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