Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
