He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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