i was born a porn star she said
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
