see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My bed smells like the plague
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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