Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
