You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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