Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
