OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The air was thick with penises
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
