I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
