Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
