no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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