My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
