You work out of a Hotel?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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