Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
