It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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