If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
