just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
