I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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