Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
