brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
