I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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