I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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