It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
