alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
