maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
