I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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