Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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