so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
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I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
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We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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