can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
