Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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