Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
