so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
