I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
