I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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