I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I have already put on my inside pants.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
