evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
