Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
