she looked like the before picture.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.