mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
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i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
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I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.