I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
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I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
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Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on