Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after