look no pants
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
