If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
