you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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