Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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