i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
