Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
