Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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