I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Randomize
